Friday, April 1, 2011

TSA Space Alien Detection Officers (ADO)

(Space Alien shown walking through metal detector)
(Space Alien shown walking through metal detector)
When you think you’ve covered all your bases, something new comes along. This time, it’s invisible! New intelligence suggests that space aliens with invisibility cloaks have been going through our checkpoints for years. We know they’ve been observing flight operations at some of our busiest airports, but we had no idea they were coming in.

It’s not entirely clear what their intentions are, but they need to be screened just like anybody else. We don’t mind space aliens visiting our airports. In fact we think it’s kind of cool. However, they need to go through security just like everybody else. They can’t just continue to stroll through security, especially if they have their shoes on or if they’re carrying liquids. Or even liquefying weapons... We can’t get into all the details of how we know these aliens are transiting the checkpoint, but one thing we noticed is an uptick in suggestions that Goloxtinizer be added to our "Can I Bring" tool. Who knew... Even space aliens use our app.

Some experts think they possibly prefer first class commercial travel as opposed to their own spacecraft which is speculated to have a cramped and cold environment. Other experts speculate they have an affinity for airport food. Some have claimed that the prices are out of this world…

Whatever their motivation is, rest assured that  a new layer of security has been developed that will allow us to detect and screen these unique passengers. This new layer is our TSA Alien Detection Officer (ADO). ADOs are an elite new type of officer who has undergone unique training to use specially developed detection tools. You may have already seen some of these tools in use at airports and just not known what they were. 

Blogger Bob
TSA Blog Team

If you’d like to comment on an unrelated topic you can do so in our Off Topic Comments post. You can also view our blog post archives or search our blog to find a related topic to comment in. If you have a travel related issue or question that needs an immediate answer, you can contact a Customer Support Manager at the airport you traveled, or will be traveling through by using Talk to TSA.

75 comments:

Anonymous said...

KLAATU BARADA NICTO

Anonymous said...

Is it my imagination or is it in incredibly poor taste for an agency related to Customs and Border Protection to have an "ALIEN Detection Officers" as part of an April Fool's Joke? I get that it's all in humor, but considering the political livewire that the subject of illegal ALIENS is, I think our government's employees should be working on something other than an April Fool's joke such as this.

bob said...

And here we all thought every day dealing with the TSA we were being fooled.

Anonymous said...

Wow, hilarious stuff...

You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

Dan said...

Sadly, this has far more basis in reality and science than what you actually do. This SHOULD be a wake up call for you. Again, sadly, it won't be.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad that my tax dollars are going to pay for your play time.

Anonymous said...

Klaat murdada kotondada blarg. Moraacto flaat nicto broclada?

Anonymous said...

i for one welcome our new overlords

Anonymous said...

Really?

Thomas said...

I'm very pleased that the TSA used tax payer dollars to post this inane April Fools joke.

Anonymous said...

Nice to see that you have time for jokes but no time to answer any of the valid questions raised in the Savannah thread. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Anonymous said...

How wonderful! This is even more effective than any of the anti-human-terrorist methods the TSA employs.

Anonymous said...

Why do you have time to write such pointless stuff, aren't there "terrorists" to catch? Or congressional hearings to attend?

Seriously, if you are trying to project a professional image, this is slightly counterproductive.

Anonymous said...

April fools.

Alex said...

This is absurd, but no more so than some of your other policies.

I glad the DHS has such a great sense of humor about wasting our country's time and money.

Alex Sterling said...

I think there's an error in your post. You linked at the end to some of the "tools in use at airports and just not known what they were." When I clicked the link, I was taken to a Wicker Encyclopedia. I wasn't sure what that had to do with airport security, so I assume you just typed the link wrong. Can you fix it so we can read about the new technologies and know what to expect? I'm flying next Wednesday, so I need to know quick!

Anonymous said...

Ooh.. Look. A Friday Funny that is seriously funny. Not.

Anonymous said...

Does the TSA not understand that you have lost your credibility with the majority of frequent traveling law-abiding taxpaying Americans? Your attempt at levity is another example of wasted tax dollars...silly and pathetic.

Anonymous said...

I did not see that this was a joke, what is this April Fools Day you speak of? I am glad that someone somewhere in the government is finally taking this seriously!

Anonymous said...

Bob
The only documented cases of weapons successfully "breaching" your checkpoints were by "Red Teams" demonstrating TSA's poor performance. Does that mean Aliens are among you?

Anonymous said...

Next thing you know they'll get these machines to detect dangerous yogurts or explosive mayonnaise in sandwiches or evil (guilty anyway?) photographers or W.M.D. breast milk or, or, or - - - -

HA! APRIL FOOL ‘cos TSA would never be that silly, OH! Wait... Ermmm

Anonymous said...

What is not funny is that you censored my comment regarding this post.

Apparently it is the TSA that can't take a joke

Anonymous said...

Considering you seem to spin similar 'jokes' other times of the year, it's tough to tell when you are seriously trying to be funny.

I'm of course referring to this little gem

It should be noted that disembarking passengers did not need to enter the station to claim luggage or get to their car.

Anonymous said...

That was well-written AND funny.

April fools! It was not either of those things.

Anonymous said...

Really? An April Fools' Day joke post on a government blog?

Fraud Waste and Abuse complaint being forwarded to the OIG as soon as I can type it up.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry about this blog being taken seriously. As this site has deteriorated into nothing but a whinefest, hardly anyone reads it anyway now!

MarkVII said...

Hello Bob --

I'm going to be leaving for Kronos shortly. Are there any special requirements to put my Batleth in my checked bag?

I have heard that the duranium alloy gives an unusual signature on your primitive X-ray devices, leading to a baggage search. Last flight, one of your fragile humans cut themselves rather badly as they pawed through my luggage. The human blood on my belongings led to some consternation as I was clearing Federation customs on my way to the Home World. Do I need to declare my Batleth, much as you humans do with your firearms?

K'pla,
Mark

Anonymous said...

Sadly, this is just as ridiculous as most policies in place. And those weren't introduced on April Fool's day.

Anonymous said...

*rasberry*

Anonymous said...

Pathetic and unprofessional as always, Curtis. Shame on you.

SciMjr2 said...

Oh ... my ... GOD!

This is unequivocal PROOF that the T.S.A. is an arrogant, uncaring agency!

You have people who have REAL & GENUINE concerns about their rights, safety, privacy, and health and and an article like this gets posted?!?

They are making fun of the American public! Posting trash like this is so disrespectful!

This is NOT the way to befriend and win over the public!

Adrian said...

The irony of this April Fools' joke is that there's about as much science behind alien detection officers as there is behind the behavior detection officers.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for making me smile at the first government blog I've ever checked out! Thank goodness there is still a sense of humor out there.

I wonder if it is those aliens, in their invisibility cloaks, who get to sit in those first class seats that I can never manager to get upgraded into.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
Nice to see that you have time for jokes but no time to answer any of the valid questions raised in the Savannah thread. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

My sentiments exactly!

Anonymous said...

I loved this article really made me smile!!

Anonymous said...

Thomas said...
I'm very pleased that the TSA used tax payer dollars to post this inane April Fools joke.

April 1, 2011 5:56 PM

OH Thomas, what else would you prefer? If Bob was doing his job and writting up articles, you would just slam him for lying to you folks anyways. Lighten up.sengum

Tracy said...

Not funny!

Anonymous said...

Lighten up! I don't even like TSA and I thought this was funny.

Anonymous said...

You.Are.Too.Funny.

People don't understand how hard it is for a government blog to post this kind of thing.

Bravo to the TSA Blog. Well done. You are human. Or are you?

Anonymous said...

Nice one. The US Army had a good one on thier blog as well.

-Tim

Anonymous said...

If this had gone out Friday morning it might have been timely and vaguely appropriate.

But to post it at the end of business on Friday?

Well April Fools Day was well on its way to being over.

This seems contrived and late. A half hearted effort at levity.

Oussama said...

Chill people, I thought it was funny. Even the TSA can be frivolous.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous wrote:
"OH Thomas, what else would you prefer? If Bob was doing his job and writting up articles, you would just slam him for lying to you folks anyways. Lighten up."

I won't be lightening up. There have been dozens of important questions asked in this blog that have good unanswered yet this nonsense gets posted.

MarkVII said...

While we're on the subject of aliens, what about one of the Founders of the Dominion (a.k.a. Changelings)? If they're so inclined, they can be solid, but their natural form is liquid.

If one of them clears security in humanoid form, but later takes their natural form, did they just violate 3-1-1?

Mark
Star Trek Fan Extraordinaire

Andy said...

Good one ;) Ignore everyone giving you a hard time. While I will disagree with plenty of TSA's policies, I love reading your blog, and this one literally made me laugh! :) Good to see that the fed's do have a sense of humor!

Keep it up :)
Andrew

RB said...

Oussama said...
Chill people, I thought it was funny. Even the TSA can be frivolous.

April 4, 2011 6:38 PM

Agree, TSA is certainly frivolous.

RB said...

Bob, how many screening complaints were filed by travelers during the month of November 2010?

Anonymous said...

Oussama said:
"Chill people, I thought it was funny. Even the TSA can be frivolous."

And spend taxpayer money while it's doing it!

Anonymous said...

Very funny, now why don’t you address how you justify the unconstitutional pat down when you have to violate our 4th amendment rights and our right to privacy? Patting down private parts when you have not committed a crime is a unreasonable search. It’s why we have a bill of rights in the first place.

I have to follow the law, why doesn’t the TSA have to?

Anonymous said...

More proof that the TSA is a joke.

Anonymous said...

You have proved our point. If this is what you get paid for then no wonder O'bama has driven our govt. to the brink. After working for TSA and knowing that there is so much waste, fraud and abuse and this little joke only prove we only need someone who can write because the failures on the checkpoints and baggage with test guns and fake bombs that the RED Team use just shows that you can't protect us against the bad guy much less your UFOs.

Anonymous said...

Quoted;
" I won't be lightening up. There have been dozens of important questions asked in this blog that have good unanswered yet this nonsense gets posted."

April 4, 2011 7:59 PM

--------------------------
So since you have figured out that the "dozens of important questions asked in this blog that have gone unanswered", then you should take the cue and stop asking them here!

Obviously this site is a PR attempt. Realize that, stop bashing your head against the wall and get on with your lives!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said:

"Obviously this site is a PR attempt. Realize that, stop bashing your head against the wall and get on with your lives!"

I would except I have this belief that government is of, by and for the American people. When I see misconduct on the part of government employees, I address it.

Anonymous said...

Ha, ha, ha...you know whats even more funny, the TSA.

Anonymous said...

April Fools joke? Hilarious!!!

Ripping the US Constitution to shreds? A riot!!!

Immoral and illegal searches conducted as a matter of routine? Stop you're killing me!!!

By the way how many terrorists have you guys caught? Still zero huh? Maybe you should invest in a terrorist detection machine?

Anonymous said...

Just goes to show that even the TSA knows that they are a joke when it comes to protecting the US.

Do another pat-down on a 6 year old child TSA! How about running an 80 year old grandmother through the scanner?

Yep - you're a joke... Unfortunately for those of us who thought we were protected by the US constitution, not a funny joke.

Anonymous said...

100% agree with this.

Is it my imagination or is it in incredibly poor taste for an agency related to Customs and Border Protection to have an "ALIEN Detection Officers" as part of an April Fool's Joke? I get that it's all in humor, but considering the political livewire that the subject of illegal ALIENS is, I think our government's employees should be working on something other than an April Fool's joke such as this.

Anonymous said...

Regardless of what day it is I find the wasting of taxpayers' money with posts like this to be offensive. This blog, like any other government blog dealing with serious matters, is no place for humor. TSA obviously needs to have its budget cut next year if this is the type of money waste we can expect from them.

Anonymous said...

Anon said: You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

The reason the probability is that low is BECAUSE security is in place. If security wasnt there, then the terrorists could bring whatever they want onboard without ANY risk of being caught.

kellymae81 said...

Hehe

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said:
"Anon said: You know what's funny? The odds of dying in an attack by aliens from outer space is roughly equal to the odds of dying in a terrorist attack on a passenger flight. The probability that either will happen is just a hair over zero.

The reason the probability is that low is BECAUSE security is in place. If security wasnt there, then the terrorists could bring whatever they want onboard without ANY risk of being caught."

There's security against aliens killing us? Who knew?! Please tell us more!

(Screenshot saved)

Anonymous said...

TSA what a joke, cant and wont show teir stinkin badges

Anonymous said...

The only aliens are the ones in charge of the agency. If you want to know how to do your job right. Try talking to Israel.

*enough said*

8675309 said...

"The only aliens are the ones in charge of the agency. If you want to know how to do your job right. Try talking to Israel. "

You mean the country that has random full body searches at checkpoints on the street, in front of stores, restaurants, and clubs? You're saying that is what you want the TSA to do?

Israel has one major airport. US Airports screen the equivalent of Israels's entire population every couple of days.

I think you're making a poor comparison.

Ellen said...

I don't mind being x-rayed or patted down but I do mind that I failed the criminal search as a "terrorist"on my background check for an apartment rental.I accidentally had my deceased brother's Army knife in my carry on luggage at LAX flying to JFK on JetBlue.The screeners were so kind as they knew I was upset that the knife had to get thrown out.I know we have rules BUT how do I clear my name now that I am flagged as a possible terroroist?The apartment manager needs a notarized letter stating I am not a potential threat---Please help me.Ellen.PS I have written TSA and JetBlue

Anonymous said...

Am pretty upset- just got home with my checked back - JFK-LAX. Inside was a TSA standard notification that they must inspect some bags physically (?). Well, they either broke - and didn't admit or took a dish that was part of the set. The other dishes came trough fine- they were all packed with dirty laundry around them. So, couldn't they apologize that they broke one? Or did someone get sloppy and forget to return it?

Anonymous said...

So how was all of your weekends?! Here is how my WONDERFUL weekend with my dad, a 32 year Colon Cancer Survivor with ostomy, ended at the Fresno Airport. I posted this on the UOAA website and thought you all would enjoy this story, not sure enjoy is the word!

Greetings Everyone, just your friendly Ostomate here and TSA nabbed me again last night, even after going through a Body Scanner, they said I had an anomaly, AKA Colostomy.

So lets back track, you can go under my member name and read the history there are several posts. And if you remember I was on the local news and here is that link:

http://www.azcentral.com/video/#/Tempe% ... 7811395001

I did not let what happened last year keep me down and I have flown at least 5 times if not more since the incident. Flown through Major airports like my hometown of Phoenix Sky Harbor, or Atlanta and Charlotte, all I opted for Body Scans because I was told this was the best way so they could "see" everything, all without incident until I got to Fresno Intl Airport visiting my Dad, who happens to be a 32 year survivor of Colon Cancer and has a Ostomy for as long, for Father's Day.

NO ONE was in line and all the TSA were standing around, did the body Scanner, and was held and told I had an anomaly and needed to be patted down....ok, that is fine. Then I was told I had to be stripped searched and I just lost it, started crying and very upset and asked for a Supervisor, who happened to NOT be on the floor at the time. So here I am in a room with two women, the supervisor never came so I sad ok lets do this, they asked me to pull my pants down and pat my Ostomy with MY hand and swab the bomb paper.......well, my bag had poop in it so out came the poop and into the TSA's hand and OMG their looks on their faces was priceless holding a handful of poop. Well that is what was in there and had to go through to get their swab.....then the ladies were like we did not mean for you to hand us poop!!!! I think they were traumatized...hey so was I!!!! Serves them right! And through my tears of humiliation, I had to giggle under my breathe. O and I came out clean, well maybe not exactly clean with the poop around, but clean of bombs!

You know I said this before I am the BIGGEST Patriot there is, I work for the government as a Federal Agent, I have a Top Security Clearance. I was married to a man that served 26 years in the Air Force, both my kids were born on AF Bases. I have voted in every Presidential Election, on and on. There has GOT to be a better way, really, what ever happened to those frequent flyer clearances?

Last time I wrote letters and went to the news, I heard from TSA in DC and was told they would use my case for sensitivity training, but here we are AGAIN! I almost feel like I have been struck by lightening twice, which is RARE, 1 in a million. And I feel REALLY bad because some of you refuse to fly because what happened to me TWICE may happen to you. And yes I will fly again.

So I will get out my last letter, make some calls. I have the names of the TSA officers from last night. And if any of you have suggestions, I am open to hear them. All I want to do is educate them and all I want is for none of you to have to endure what I have been through twice, it is so degrading and emotionally draining! And I simply CANNOT believe this happened to me again!

Bob Anderson said...

Still is quite funny given the rather serious levels of security we're in these days..... A little humor doesn't hurt as long as it is in good taste.

Anonymous said...

...well I felt like an alien (though hardly invisible) at the TSA airport yesterday. It took them 1/2 hour to search my laptop bag for something strange.... what was it? One of my AA batteries (I keep a backup set for my mouse).

what a joke.

Marcos - Adiestramiento Canino said...

Are you serious? There is a Space Alien Detection TSA Officers (ADO), as we know whether it works or ever worked?
I want to make sure before boarding a plane with aliens

Onkelseoserbe said...

People don't understand how hard it is for a government blog to post this kind of thing.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, People need to get a grip! A little humor is a real human trait. TSA seems to be the bad guy when doing their job. (Trying to protect the flying public.)Hopefully you get a little positive response when hostile intentions are derailed.

Thanks again.
Dave N.

Kenneth E. Williams said...

OMG PEOPLE, IT'S A LITTLE HUMOR FOR GOD SAKES. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD,AND I HARDLY THINK A FEW LINES ON A BLOG IS GOING TO EFFECT OUR TAXES, GET A GRIP OK.

Teri said...

This article has been done in bad taste even though it was meant as a joke for April 1st. The website manager needs to remove this blog and not allow anymore jokes to be posted on the site again. You are opening up TSA to a civil lawsuit by continuing to post this article. If the general public gets a hole of this it will be blown out of proportion. It also shows how many crazy people we have employeed in TSA amongst our ranks. Not a good article in my opinion and it relects badly upon our TSO's. April Fools Day is over.

nelson john said...

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